What Will He Remember ?

The bedtime routine has been kind of rough the past few weeks. Getting our son to want to go to sleep in his own bed has been a struggle. As I reflect upon this journal entry that
I wrote around Christmas time, I've decided to "let it go" for the time being....

December 2010
Letting them stay up an hour past their bedtime on a Friday night, the three of us lay in my bed, on a cold December evening, watching The Polar Express. Well, at least two of us were watching. My 4 year old's eyes were glued to the television. My 8 year old son with autism lay with his head under the blankets and his hands cupped over his ears. Perhaps he was blocking out the background music on the show, or avoiding an annoying sound he heard in the house or even a sound in his own head.  More likely, though, he was blocking out my voice as I asked his brother," Why didn't the mommy and the daddy hear the bell ring?" and him replying, "because they didn't believe mommy, they didn't believe."

The movie ended and I announced it was time for them to go to sleep in their own beds. I scooped up my 4 year old along with his pillow and carried them to his room. I gently sat him on his bed and arranged his bedding to tuck him in when I noticed he was pouting.  His arms were crossed and bottom lip was sticking way out. "What's wrong?” I asked. "You make me so sad ", he exclaimed.”Why?" I discernibly asked. He softly replied,” I just wanted to snuggle in your bed for a little bit." He had no tears, but continued sadness. I tried to justify his need to sleep in his own bed. I explained that he needed to get a good night's rest because tomorrow, Nanny and Papaw were coming to pick him up and take him to the apple farm. "Really?" he exclaimed. "Really? Tomorrow is the day? You are the best Mommy in the world", he gleamed giving me the biggest hug and kiss. "I love you, Mommy. Goodnight." "I love you; too", I replied as I gently shut the door behind me.

Those words he spoke haunted me.  Which would he remember? "Mommy, you make me so sad" or "You are the Best Mommy in the world"?

I walked back to my room and peeled away the sheets to get to my other son. Not asleep yet, his hands were still cupped tightly over his ears. He was reluctant to let me take him out of my bed. Awkwardly, I picked him up and he wrapped his legs around me.  I took him to his room and tried to put him in his bed. Still with his hands cupped over his ears, he used every move he could to prevent me from putting him down. Finally, with him wrapped around me, I got into his bed with him. He squirmed out of my hold and took one hand away from his ear. He protested going to bed by pushing his nightstand over. I jumped out of the bed and instinctively told him "NO!"

The "right" thing to do would have been to stick to my guns and make him stay in his own bed. However, my head and my heart were in conflict.  I stood there looking at him, seeing him with both hands cupped tightly around his ears, his eyes closed tightly and his head hanging low...He was probably wondering if I was going to make him pick up the nightstand and make him comply by staying in his bed to go to sleep, but I didn't. I softly asked," Do you want to go back to mommy's bed?"

Not a word could he say, but he let me pick him up. He snuggled his face into my shoulder and kept his hands cupped over his ears. I carried him back to my room where we snuggled in my bed ,me stroking his hair until he fell fast asleep.

Those words He could NOT speak haunted me. Which would he remember? "Mommy, you make me so sad?" or "You are the Best Mommy in the world!"?

I don't want to be my children's best friend. I am their mommy. But, I realized tonight, it is up to me to make memories for my children and to make an impact as to WHAT they would remember.